Sunshine+Rain

I’m a very black and white person. It’s either right. Or it’s wrong and there is no in between. I like it to all balance. But life isn’t just black and white is it? Even on each side of things? It isn’t just sunshine or rain. Sometimes the sun shines while it rains. And it isn’t just happy or sad. Sometimes happiness and sadness have colored each other, in a moment, in a memory.

Take it back two years this month, my due date with Poppy had passed. That day was odd. I was happier than I imagined. She was happy and safe. And as a parent that’s what we want for our children. But I was sad. Close to tears all day but not just sad ones. Happy ones too that the day had come and we had survived it together, with Jesus, and Emmett too.

A week or so passed, and one of my best friends told me she was pregnant and was so worried to tell me. I hated that I made her worried but I understood it and a part of me was touched by it. I was incredibly happy for her, and I was deeply sad for me. Normally I would say “but” here instead of “and” but I read a fellow blog on replacing “but” with “and” in those situations because you can be happy for them and sad for you. And I was. So happy. And so sad. And on top of all that? I was scared. So very scared for her. I would not wish the pain of loss on my greatest enemy. I got home and let Emmett out and as he was happily jumping around in the front yard I cried. (see the contrast there too?) I cried so hard it’s a thousand wonders the neighbors didn’t call 911. Dr. Tony Evans says in order to receive what you want you should first give it away. So prayed peace over my friend. I prayed she’d have a healthy and blessed pregnancy and once I was done praying. I got up. Washed my face. And went on about my night. I had the peace I had prayed for her.

She now has a perfect little boy we absolutely adore. And we’re getting to watch her little boy and my little girl be the sweetest friends.

A week or two later I found out I was pregnant with Merah Kathryn. I was pregnant with her in the midst of my despair and I didn’t know that within me I had everything I wanted. It just hadn’t been revealed to me yet. God was waiting for the perfect time. I found out on my our anniversary I was pregnant.

Today, I have talked to two expecting mamas and a friend of a friend who has recently lost her baby. My day is gray. Full of light and darkness. Happiness and sadness. Bitter-sweetness. And isn’t that how life is? We can be fully happy for one person, and completely sad for someone else.

God has made us so complex and capable of empathy that we can feel what others feel. I have been on both sides and I can feel the excitement and the sadness equally and absolutely overwhelmingly. That’s the awesome God we serve.

I encourage you today to embrace the light and the dark. To be completely in the moment with those you love and those you don’t even know.

Romans 12:15 says,“Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

He has Created you. And these babies, born and unborn. He has made all things possible. There is not a day he hasn’t already seen. He knew on January 28, 2018 I would be holding my first baby girl for the first and last time. And He knew that on May 9, 2019 I’d hold my healthy baby girl for the first time, but not the last. He has made all things work together. He put the wrinkles in your hands and feet when they get wet so you are less likely to fall. That’s how much thought He gave to forming you.

If your body can do that much, your heart and mind can do even more and be both happy and sad.