Mother’s Day

Although this is my second Mother’s Day with a baby in my arms, it’s technically my third.

Mother’s Day brings about such mixed emotions for so many. I can remember being asked to sing that first Mother’s Day. I got up that morning and had several texts from close friends, my sisters-in-law, my mom and mother-in-law telling me happy Mother’s Day and that they were thinking of me. I remember that day so clearly. Fighting back tears as I tried to get ready for church. There, I was greeted with a gift that was given to all the moms in the church. I was touched and very appreciative but I was still fighting tears. I got up to sing and all I could see were babies. Everywhere. New ones. Toddlers. Multiples. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. But God. By His Grace, I got through my songs okay. I remember coming home after lunch at my parents’ and just sitting on the couch in a daze and Matt asking if I was okay. I was trying to be but it was hard. In my mind, I should’ve been about 6 months pregnant and glowing, but I wasn’t. And that was okay. I wasn’t necessarily mad, I was just immensely disappointed. It was okay to not be okay. And although a ton of people tried to tell me that, it wasn’t clicking and I hated that saying. I was fighting it. It had been months since we lost Poppy and I still wasn’t pregnant and thought I never would be. That very well could have been the case as it is for many. And I came to realize that I was going to have to beg for peace about that. That maybe my rainbow was to just be happy and content with my precious husband and our awesome dog. I prayed that the desire to be a mom would go away if I wasn’t going to get to parent a child. The desire never left, but the peace came. This Mother’s Day I want you to know that you don’t have to fight those tears you’re feeling welling up. You’re allowed to feel your feelings and as annoying as the saying “it’s okay to not be okay” is, it’s true. Take some time for yourself and to be alone with Jesus this weekend. I can promise you this, I will be praying for you who have experience loss of a child or a mom this Mother’s Day extra hard. You matter and your story matters. And someday whatever you’re going through just might help someone else. In this in between time, I encourage you to be hopeful and find joy in every little thing. I love you so.