Whatsoever Things Are Lovely

Sometimes anxiety, and life in general, makes it hard to sleep. At the peak of my anxiety attacks I would go to sleep and have to touch Matt somehow and Emmett would lay on me without being asked. I would breath in until I counted to ten. Then breath out counting to ten. Over and over. It’s a trick I learned in voice lessons. It was supposed to help me, over time, to hold notes longer. Turns out, it’s a real good tool to talk yourself down from having a full-blown attack. Gradually, the number would go up to twelve, then fifteen. But for someone who feels like they don’t have enough room in their lungs for all the air they need, ten was a good number to start and end with. So many times I fell asleep like this.

My pastor quotes scripture like I have never heard. The man is a walking Bible/commentary all wrapped up in pastor-form. I thought maybe if I read my Bible more. And covered myself in His Word, my whole way of looking at things would change. I’m ashamed to say I don’t read as much as I should but I will say there are certain verses on nights I can’t sleep I repeat over and over in my head.

Last night, was Philippians 4:8. It reads,

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

I thought over and over about that. I was still wide awake. I wasn’t anxious. So my breathing trick wasn’t going to work. I just couldn’t sleep. So as I repeated that scripture in my head. I’d try to put some thing with it. What is true? My love for Merah. God’s love for me. What is pure? The absolute joy that was all over Merah when she smashed into her cake and had icing-covered hands with painted little fingers. What is admirable, and so on. I don’t think I made it through the whole verse of giving myself examples of good things to think on until I fell asleep.

I love this verse. I mean I really love it, it tells us not to dwell on the negatives. It literally tells you to think about happy things. About the truths in your life. Not about the lies Satan tries to tell you.

So often as a new wife and now as a “new” mom Satan would and does tell me, “You’re not doing enough for Matt. This wife has their laundry done, their house spotless, and dinner on the table when their husbands come home. And they work just like you. You don’t deserve what you have, why would you think you could ever have a new house? A baby? A living and healthy baby?”

Then I became a mother to a living, healthy baby. Satan uses this postpartum phase. Oh he uses it against us so craftily. He whispers, “Do you really love her enough? Are you still thankful for her? You realize you don’t deserve this right? Women all over the world can’t have kids. Why do you get to have a kid? You’re not watching her close enough. Shouldn’t you be on top of her every move? Don’t you care?” Y’all I am completely sharing my heart here and it’s HARD. Even now he says “people are going to think you are a bad mom for sharing this.” We all know that’s not true. And I also know that I’ve never done anything for Jesus without Satan giving me reasons not to.

So mama, wife. Don’t dwell on the lies of Satan. As a born-again Christian, he can’t have my soul so he will try his best to steal my joy. And this part of life where we’re young and just starting out, we should be enjoying it instead of being so worried over things that, number one, we have no control over and two, things that aren’t true. I encourage you to think on whatever is true, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, anything excellent or praiseworthy. I can’t add anything to scripture. And I wouldn’t even try. I will leave you with saying, listen to the truths of Jesus and not the lies of Satan. Once you recognize where those lies are coming from, and that he’s just trying to steal your joy, you can combat him more effectively. You can get on your knees and call the angels of Heaven down to fight on your behalf in heavenly places. On a plane that you may not be able to see but I promise, sister, you’ll be able to feel it.